In this day and age, just about everyone is on some form of a social networking site. With the brutal, public death of Myspace and the underuse of Twitter (at least in my area), Facebook stands tall as the king of social media. All thanks to Mark Zuckerburg, I now have the distinct privilege of knowing the exactly what everyone I know is doing, as they are doing it. Though Facebook can be a great way to get together with friends, there are several ways that people can ruin it for everyone else… or at least ruin it for all of their “friends”. It is because of this that I am proud to present the ten unwritten rules of Facebook. If everyone would just take these ten suggestions to heart, Facebook would be a much happier place for us all. Without any further delay, let’s begin.
Number 10: Take the term “friend” very lightly
Sure, the point of a social network is to be, well, social, but being friends with someone online and friends in the real world are two different things. I know people that have upwards of 1000 Facebook friends, but have never even met or talked to many of them. Personally, I have 35 Facebook friends at the moment, and I’ve had Facebook for around three years (other than a two month hiatus… long story…). It’s not that I people won’t add me or anything, it’s simply the fact that after I graduated high school, I decided I was going to go through my friends list and delete everyone that I felt as though I wouldn’t talk to on the internet. In the end, I went from several hundred all the way down to 35. I still keep in touch with many of the people I “unfriended” in real life, but they weren’t exactly essential to my Facebook experience. All in all, just remember, a friend request is a lot different than a real friendship.
Number 9: Don’t set a profile picture that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see.
This is a very important one, because ones profile picture is the first thing that people see when they look someone up. Honestly, if I’m considering adding you, and your profile picture is of you holding a red plastic beer cup and whipping the finger, I’m probably going to think again. Particularly with the amount of parents, grandparents, etc. that are now on Facebook, I’m sure the last thing you want your mother to see is her son or daughter smoking a joint around a camp fire. This isn’t to say that everyone’s profile pic should be completely G rated, but seriously, I’d rather see you do a kegstand in real life than in a thumbnail picture.
Number 8: Don’t set a depressing status in the hopes of getting some attention
Statuses like this are just sad, and not sad in the sense of people feeling bad for you. I really don’t have a whole lot to say on the subject, other than crying for help on the internet is a terrible way to go about ones problems. If it’s really that bad, talk to someone, don’t wait for someone to ask you about it.
Number 7: Song lyric statuses are a good way to make people hate you
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen the status, “Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now,” I would be writing this from my summer home in Beverly Hills rather than in my bedroom in Pennsylvania. Come on people, I like the song “Forever” as much as the next guy, but you don’t see me telling everyone that “like a sprained ankle, boy, I ain’t nothin’ to play with.” Yeah, we all get it, you have an iTunes account and a gift card you got for your birthday, no need to share what you listen to with everyone else, because honestly, I couldn’t care less about seemingly deep song lyrics that vaguely apply to a situation in your life. And for the love of God, no more Bruno Mars!
Number 6: If someone doesn’t IM you back, there’s probably a good reason
I was talking to a friend of mine a few weeks back, and when we came to the subject of Facebook, he told me about this girl that IMs him several times on a daily basis, only saying “Hey”, “Sup”, or “I’m bored”. Let’s be honest, Facebook may be a great place for existing friendships, but it’s a terrible place to meet new people, especially through the chat feature. If you are the person sending these unanswered messages, maybe it’s time to think about why no one wants to talk to you. Who knows, maybe it’s because you’re lonely, so you set depressing statuses all the time.
Number 5: Liking a comment is NOT an appropriate way to end a conversation
Again, I don’t have a whole lot to say on this one, other than that it’s extremely aggravating trying to have a conversation, and after your last comment, you get a little notification that says “John Stossle likes your comment”, and nothing comes afterward. At least have the decency to end the conversation with words, rather than simply liking a comment. It’s basic conversational etiquette.
Number 4: For the love of God, don’t add your parents as friends if you have something you don’t want them to see!
Remember earlier when I said not to set a profile pic you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see? Statuses can be equally as dangerous, but luckily, there is a simple remedy. I’m going to give all of you an insider secret… Are you ready? If you don’t want a family member to see something on Facebook that you really want to post, don’t accept their friend request. Woah, mindblowing stuff right there.
Number 3: Remember some basic philosophies when uploading pictures.
Number three on my list is actually three separates rules in one. It’s a rule within a rule within a rule, basically it’s the Inception of Facebook guidelines.
Rule 3A: Girls, if your picture is of you holding your cell phone up to a mirror, then well, there’s no hope for you.
Rule 3B: Guys, if your picture is of you holding your cell phone up to a mirror, then well, there’s no hope for you.
Rule 3C: Girls and Guys, if your picture is of you making out with your significant other, then well, there’s no hope for you.
Number 2: Facebook fights solve nothing, other than the boredom of the people outside of the fight.
Facebook fights, we’ve all seen them, and truthfully, they’re one of the biggest reasons why I still have Facebook today. Nothing is better than watching a fight unfold on the internet, there’s just something magical about it. I once saw a quote about internet altercations, and I think it’s one of the most painfully honest things I’ve ever read. It went something like this: “Fighting on the internet is a lot like competing in the Special Olympics, even if you win, you’re still retarded.” That pretty much says it all?
Number 1: NEVER under any circumstance leave your profile logged in at a friends house!
Here we are, the golden rule of Facebook: never allow anyone unmonitored access to your profile. Doing so is easily the best way possible to let the whole world know that not only do you “like” gay men, rainbows, and Richard Simmons, but you also are looking for some hot asians in the area. You may not have the desire to talk to that creepy kid in your math class, but rest assured, if you leave your profile logged in, “you” will surely have a lengthy, intimate conversation with that same kid. Not to mention, your profile picture will most likely be changed to one photoshopped of you offering small children candy in exchange for getting in your white van.
There you have it, ten of possibly the most important guidelines for Facebook you will ever read. Like I said earlier, Facebook is a great tool, so w hy not use it in a way that will make it more friendly for everyone you interact with. Finally, and most importantly, I’ll leave you with this thought. Even though this didn’t make it into the rule, it doesn’t make it any less true: guys, when a girl likes your status, it does not mean she wants to hook up with you.
MazeroskiWay 